We Are Stronger Than That, You Just Don’t Know It Yet

By Ashlee Evans

Girl, soon you’ll find out that everyone hates you, Your reaction to pain is unbearable, Put down that bottle and wipe the drool from your foaming mouth, It’s not worth it, It feels good in the moment, but those scars will just bring you shame. 

It’s okay, they just don’t know us yet, Give it time, Once you stop living in misery – you’re going to be something beautiful. 

All those pills, they won’t make him go away. Don’t let him win, that’s what they say, right? He’s inside of you, I know, you see him in your reflection, When you fight with your hallucinations, I hope you find comfort in knowing you’re taking the big one for the team, You have to go through it before you can heal from it, It’s hard, I understand, it’s hard, The way it eats you from the inside out, The way your skin crawls with bruises years gone. 

One day you’ll wake up and the first you you think about, It will be love. Real love, He doesn’t live here anymore, the forefront of your mind; it’s reserved for someone else. 

I want you to know that I’m trying so hard not to hate you too, Everyone else sees us as separate entities, The good and the bad girl, The healthy and the toxic girl, But you’re inside of me. You come out in my anger, We’ll always be a short fuse and I want you to know that I’m thankful for your fire, I’m thankful for your pain, I’m thankful for your work. 

Girl, soon you’ll realise that everyone loves you, Your rationalising helps them grow, Your memory shows them it’s possible to heal, Now let me show you what it’s like to have 20 valium pills in a drawer, And never take one for fun. 

Even when you fill me with embarrassment and regret, Even when your memory swallows me whole and I am so heavy, The floor beneath me shakes and I’m afraid I’ll fall, 

Even then, I am so proud, to be you.

Ashlee

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