The Unseen Chaos in My Mind

By Mikayla Bohmer

Mental Stability is something that is very much taken for granted in this world. However, being mentally unstable is something that is continuously criticised, stigmatised and shamed. 

But have you ever wondered what it is actually like to be mentally unstable?

In my experience, being mentally unstable feels like someone has a remote control, pressing all the buttons, all at once. Too many emotions. Too intense. Too overwhelming to even comprehend. 

Questioning if the racing thoughts are actually my own, or is it the voices of the darkness trying to brainwash and manipulate me? So that they can consume every part of my being? 

Questioning whether I actually exist, or am I just an illusion?  

 Am I just an imposter in someone else’s reality?

Questioning if the darkness I’m feeling is even my own. The trauma that I have experienced, did it even happen? Is it even real? Or did I just make it up in my head for attention? 

How could I have lived through that?

It is not being able to distinguish your own thoughts from the auditory hallucinations and delusions. 

Am I actually sick or just making it all up in my head? Who the fuck am I? 

What am I doing here? 

A constant question racing through my mind 24/7. 

When will it end?

Wishing for just five minutes of silence. 

Five minutes of freedom. 

Five minutes of peace.

 

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