The Greatest Showman
By Alex Schelleman
Hey you! Come try this new program
It’s not a diet, no!
You’re looking rather big, madame
Just come give it a go
What’s that? You’ve tried it all before?
Well, obviously that’s untrue
You’re big and fat, which means therefore
The problem, ma’am, is you
It’s clear you’ve eaten too much salt
Or sugar, fat or bread
It’s clear that it is all your fault
You’ll surely end up dead
Oh no, it’s not a fad at all!
You’ll lose weight overnight
We’ve made an app you must install
To track your every bite
Week one will fly by, you will see
Week two might start to drag
And by the time you reach week three
You’ll have the right to brag
And by the time a year’s gone by
Your skeleton will show
Your hair and lips will be bone dry
That’s just a weight plateau!
Words of support from family
Will turn into concern
You’ll soon find out that they agree
That you’ve taken a downturn
But they’re all wrong, you’re well on track!
You measure all your meals
You don’t dine out, you never snack
Your calves look great in heels
You exercise twice every day
You run and ride and squat
Until that goddamn foot X-ray
Shows a stress fracture spot
Your period has all but gone
You’re dizzy when you stand
Your face is sallow, grey and drawn
Everything’s gone as planned!
The problem is, your BMI
Is not anorexic
You will continue to scrape by
Until one day it clicks
You’ll seek out help, slowly at first
But day by day you’ll grow
You’ll realise foods are not cursed
You will regain your glow
And God, sometimes it will be hard
You’ll cry and groan and stress
But with some help, you will discard
Those feelings of duress
BUT PLEASE, MADAME, IGNORE ALL THAT!
Just start this diet NOW!
You must win this WAR ON FAT!
You lack the key know-how…
This piece was shortlisted in the 2021 mindshare Awards, presented by mindshare, Writers SA, Access2Arts, and the Mental Health Coalition of South Australia. More info here.