From Underneath

From Underneath

I breathed out of my nose and watched the bubbles trail upwards through the depth of the water, silvery air pocket anomalies escaping the blue upwards. I was cold, but the water held me, smoothing back and forward against my milky-pale skin. Closing my eyes, I tried to feel the water around me, to focus in on and calm myself but when I looked up, I only felt alone, alien to them all. Breathing out, I watched, there they all were dancing, chatting and drinking with each other so damn carelessly, but to me, they were just different shapes and silhouettes broken into abstraction by the rippling glassy surface of the water while I was under.
After towelling off quickly my brother pulled me onto the dancefloor, his grip hurting my arms. I looked down as my heart started to pump and my brain was filling with incessant thoughts, weird visualisations of humiliation and projections of me freezing in front of people, like I had in the past. “Oi, bro, what the hell, look at me man, it’s so weird when you do that. Look, just get over your shit and get in the moment.” I felt faint as Dan gripped my arm again, still dripping wet in my boardshorts. My breath was starting to quicken when my phone vibrated in my pocket. It was a call from Zee’s mum.
“Hi, Mrs. Henkley. Are you ok? What’s up?” Dan looked back at me and let go of my wrist, sensing the concern in my voice.
“Oh Robbie, Zee was attacked today. They were trying new heels on, and a gang of teenagers started filming them and harassing Zee. I’m really worried.”
“I’m leaving straight away Mrs. Henkley.” Just before I hung up, I heard her muffled tears as she ended the call.
Zee must have known it was me, when I approached her door. I heard the lock click open and the door swung inwards with a creak. Zee’s mascara had run, and they slumped over on the bed, their new pink sparkly heels strewn on the floor. My heart fell at the sight of my friend, utterly defeated and I knew I had to get them out of the darkness that they were in. I sat at the edge of the bed and silently sat there, gently smoothing Zee’s back to comfort her.
Hours had passed and Zee barely moved, lost in the lifelessness of self-hatred and stripped of her identity. Zee had been working up the courage to self-actualise for months and months, to start becoming their true self as a woman, to start shedding the painful gender dysphoria they’d felt for so long. Finally, I sensed Zee’s breathing calm, and she moved closer to me. I just wanted to let her know I saw her and that she wasn’t alone.
As the night drew long, she turned around and quietly spoke, “they taunted me, deadnaming me and filming me, laughing hysterically. Morgan from high school called his video ‘the freak show’ and I just felt worthless, something went cold inside Robbie.” I nodded still soothing Zee’s back and after a moment I turned to her. “Do you trust me?” Zee looked at me quizzically, but replied, “Yes, you’re the only person I trust Robbie.” Slowly I gathered some old photos, ones that I knew Zee hated to see and we went to the backyard. I opened the barbecue lid and threw the photos inside before setting them alight. The orange fire warped the film photos curling them as they burnt. The naked flames licked at the old memories, washing some of their stains off and I thought of being under water again.
“Zee, you know I love you no matter what right?” Zee nodded.
“Same for you Robbie.”
“I know Zee, I’ve always known that about you.” I paused, thinking of my words, “So, I can say, honestly that we’ve been held down underwater for so long, that, that you know what, it’s liberating, this moment is where it changes, because…from underneath we rise. We decide who we want to be right here and together, we’re going to be those people, we’re going to make it to the surface Zee, because you know what, as shit as things have been, nothing’s killed us yet.” Zee looked at me, and in the flickering of the dancing flames I saw my old friend and the new Zee all at once.
“Nothing’s killed us yet,” Zee said quietly.