Enclosed In Darkness
By Viki Drikas
Everyday I wake up dreading that I’m still alive. I know it’s going to be another day of me feeling nothing and if I do feel I know I’ll feel severely depressed, anxious, guilty or scared. The thoughts that cause these feelings are negative, hopeless and mean. I call them my “Dad” thoughts because they remind me of what my Dad used to say “You’re stupid” “No one wants you” “You’re nothing” over and over all day after day. Then I feel completely numb (as mentioned) and I don’t care about anything which concerns me. I don’t care about myself, I don’t care that I don’t have money or a job, I just don’t care. I sometimes care about other people family, friends but this is rare. I feel as though everything around me is fake, I know I touch things and can feel but everything just seems surreal and it’s like I’m not even here. Not in the world properly, disconnected from everything and stuck in my own mind.
Each day I know I get closer to being completely alone no friends and no family because they’re sick of me and my depression. Each day with the way I feel I know I won’t be able to keep a job, who wants a depressed employee? Which brings me each day closer to homelessness, I’m not catastrophizing I know that’s where I’m heading or where I’ll be and I don’t think I care. Part of me feels that’s what I deserve for being mean and cutting friends out of my life who I really cared about. I deserve to be homeless and completely alone. I’m not independent, I don’t know how to be and that’s what’s expected when you’re an adult. I don’t think I can keep a job, live in my own house and deal with expenses. I just don’t know that stuff and I feel like everyone else just does. I’m terrified of Mum dying or her kicking me out because I know I can’t take care of myself. I know when she’s gone I’ll just be a burden to my sister and brother in law.