A Turning Point

By Ineke Hill

CW: Sexual Assault

 

I would like to deliberate regarding Gang Members (my dissociated parts) as it is almost an institution.

Allow me to cope with the realisation of the devastation, through courage and strength of mind. Fear is a voice I often hear, year after year. Although it may appear, at times it seems unclear why the fear is near. The Gang often take possession of an emotional state. My greatest concern is I might have been in bed and unknowingly said ‘I wish I was dead’.

Are we daring and ready to turn our lives around by acknowledging that we shared childhood sexual abuse and neglect, resulting in Dissociative Identity Disorder?

The defining moment has come realising that silence together with endurance and control add up to the refusal of a healthy existence which can only be cured by writing and talking.

You have found a voice thereby making the right choice. You are so scared and withdrawn trusting no-one because no-one cared for you or protected you. I am here now. I will help, I will guide, I won’t hurt you. I won’t let anyone hurt you. Trust me. You know how many times we have tried to trust others but they did not understand – nor care!

We are not psychiatrically ill – just lost and desperately want to be found but it must be now! If not now – there is no point in continuing. We can’t take anymore, can we? How long has it been now? I long for a childhood we never had – and deserved.

You do want to be back together, don’t you? Please don’t shut me out. One way or another it has to be resolved. Do I kill you or must I die? I can’t stop rocking … Is that you or me? Please stop. I’m mad – mad as insane. I have no anger; only misery and confusion. Don’t you feel that way and if so, why do you not tell me? Is that you in my Life Story photo? Yes, yes, yes – it must be – I just looked and I KNOW. It’s you, isn’t it? Your eyes are so sad and bewildered. Please, please stop rocking. Where was I when you needed me? I didn’t know you were there. I am kind and caring. OH NO! Or am I mean and selfish and totally disowned you? What have I done? I’m so, so sorry. I didn’t know. Please forgive me.

Life as I have known it – is falling apart inside. Outside life goes on. Will there be unity and happiness in this new life? It has occurred to me that ALL the children were sexually assaulted. The guilt has stayed with me all these years and now I think I understand. The worst part of my present condition is the uncertainty. It is like another world.

I feel desperately dogged in completing this about-turn but at what cost? I am so scared, but yet I remain firm and determined to do it my way. I know I am right. The feeling is right. Does this make me psychotic?

It is difficult with so many thoughts all the time. I think of you and how I talk to you and say, ‘It’s OK’. I’ll save you ALL but we have to do it together. I feel you are listening to me. I am unbelievably tired and crying and don’t know what to do but I have no doubt that between us we will work it through and be us again. You and me living as one!

At last we can look at the past but don’t be aghast at what may have passed. Could the pain I now suffer be an addiction only cured by the strengthening of the controlled Gang Members, resulting in better communication?

Initially there existed a dissociative youth making her continual turn until she found the inspiration and made the decision to hurl a massive fight for association.

It is paramount to my survival that I not complicate my decision to correlate.

I was a scared, dissociated little girl who was wronged and believe that I and all the zealous Gang Members are coming together living and working alongside one another in partnership.

Me and you, you and me. We will survive successfully!

 

“A Turning Point” was submitted to mindshare as part of The Turnings Project in 2020. To learn more about the Turnings project click here

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